After moving to Charlotte, NC with my partner after his retirement from the Navy I reconnected with my Buddhist practice in a deeper and more intentional way. Instead of the haphazard and inconsistent practice I had fallen into in California. In Nichiren Buddhism a practitioner is encouraged to recite portions of Chapter II and Chapter XVI on a daily basis as well as chant the Odaimoku or Sacred Title, Namu Myoho Renge Kyo.
Throughout most of my life I had followed a regular schedule of doing this morning and evening along with chanting the Odaimoku for extended periods of time. During my time in the Marine Corps I also did a special service beginning at midnight doing this every night for 3 years. All of those practices had drifted away for a variety of reasons while I was living in San Diego and during the years I was involved in taking care of guys with AIDS.
After moving to Charlotte I made a personal determination to reintroduce a consistent practice as well as to work very intentionally on some of my deeper personal struggles. The first thing I tried to tackle was my anger. I tried several different approaches but finally what seemed to work the best and yielded the greatest result was to begin looking at how I physically felt when angry, look at the things that seemed to trigger the anger, and finally work to deconstruct the anger cycle.
The first breakthrough came quite by accident during the holiday season. The company I worked for was a small to medium sized printing company. It was pretty much a family business and was a very intimate place. The owner his wife and his son were all recovering alcoholics and very active in AA. In fact the company printed the meeting schedules for all of the various AA meetings in the city of Charlotte.
I am very grateful for their openness in talking to me about their lives before recovery as well as what recovery was like for them. We had many many conversations as they shared with me and tried to help me to understand alcoholism and addictions. I can honestly say that before talking with them I really didn’t understand the disease and after talking to them I came to realize that I am not sure I will ever fully understand addictions. It is a very complicated disease.
I have, as part of my chaplain training read many books and attended many lectures on addictions and still it is difficult for me to completely understand. I know the current science behind addiction research, and I have worked and continue to work with patients trying to recover from their addictions, and I am still mystified and admit that I know almost nothing beyond theory. Yet the disease is not just a theoretical disease.
My first holiday season working for this company I was introduced to the custom of the shop which was to begin a cuss cup at Thanksgiving and continue to Christmas. The idea was that for each cuss word used some money had to be put in to the cup. No one was exempt and there were no exceptions. For some of the lower grade cuss words such as damn the fine was a nickel. As the words became harsher the fine went up to a quarter. A really large outburst or tirade would cost the speaker a dollar.
It was a fun way to learn to curb one’s speech and to collect some money to have a little party with at the end of the year. No one really took it too seriously and tried hard to completely abstain from cussing. After all we were trying to raise some money and we were quite successful.
The activity took hold of me after a few days and I began to notice, to be aware of either the need to cuss or what I was experiencing when I cussed. As I look back on it the first thing I recall noticing was how reflexive cussing was for me. I would just toss the word out without giving it a second thought. Now I was never a heavy user of swear words, I found them to be cheap inexpensive words. But with the cuss cup I made a conscious effort to avoid the use of all swear words. After a while folks in the shop would kid me about being a free-loader at the holiday.
What I also noticed is how using swear words was also a way to avoid controlling or even being aware of anger or frustration or irritation. It was as if cussing masked the anger. Now on a basic level there is perhaps no harm in this. But if you compound it over time and if unaware the anger creeps out more and more. It was as if cussing was an excuse to not process anger in a healthy and mature way.
I began to observe this simple activity of cussing in other people and my observations seemed to back up the conclusions I drew from my own feelings. Cussing was a cheap way to be and express anger without actually doing anything constructive internally to deal with anger at a root level.
Please do not read this as me saying that everyone should quit swearing or using cuss words. I am merely describing my process and what I learned along the way. For me not swearing created an opportunity to learn something and to explore something that otherwise I might not have. By not swearing I was faced with one of those moments that stopped the world, as we Buddhist frequently like to say.
In that process I had to examine what my feelings really were, and then search for a word or words to adequately express myself. Just doing that slowed the anger/response cycle down which gave me space to look deeply and become even slightly more mindful of my speech. Strange this all began in the very early 90’s and it is something that I have continued to do. Now I find it awkward to cuss and on those very rare occasions when I slip up it is such a jarring experience that I am automatically put into a more reflective mindset.
What this taught me and what I became aware of was how many shortcuts we take in our lives unknowingly and how those shortcuts really do have an accumulative effect.
I would like to hear your comments and thoughts or experiences similar if you care to share them.
