(It’s been a while since I have posted in this series. I will confess this has been one of the most challenging projects I have written. While it is true I haven’t posted, I have indeed been thinking and working on the writing. I appreciate your understanding.)
Sometimes when faced with a challenge, even a simple challenge, we experience misgivings such as will we succeed, is it even possible, is this the best alternative, or even must I do this thing. I have heard of stories and even read about how right before becoming married one or both of the parties to be married will have second thoughts about whether they should go through with the marriage.
Dread, an existential self-questioning, a sense of insecurity often emerges even in people of deep faith. Dread is not a sign of weakness, rather it is a sign of our humanity. The challenge to us as Buddhists is to neither ignore it nor to abandon all effort and give in to this dread. The children in the parable who refused to take the good medicine their father had prepared experienced a form of dread as evidenced by their claim that even though it had a good smell and color it would not taste good. The dread of the taste kept them from taking the medicine right away.
Even when we are very well aware that our practice of chanting Odaimoku has in the past yielded great benefit there are times when we are unable to overcome the dread or the reluctance within to persevere and continue in our practice. Many times I have seen people who after overcoming many obstacles in their lives who when faced with even a minor problem will simply give up, or fail to recall the many benefits of chanting they have experienced.
Perhaps they have grown tired, or perhaps they have a deep dread that if this problem is overcome then there will still be many more problems and wouldn’t it be easier to stop at this problem. I know this doesn’t make sense but when we have dread we give in to irrational fears.
I have a neighbor who approached me one day and in the course of our conversation she asked me about being retired. She, like myself, recently turned 65. Both of us are officially retired, though I am still working part time and she is not. She said that she was not dealing with aging and being retired very well. We talked about this for a while, and I shared some of my understanding.
As we age not only do our bodies change but the kinds of things we are called upon by society changes as well. Yet the transition is not easy because it is not always clear what our new role in life is at this point. Also we have a certain inertia to being active, going to work, engaging in all the work related social activities. In her case she has raised several children who are now all grown and living very independent lives. Yet the kinds of activities these previous obligations placed on us are no longer needed or appropriate in all cases. Our inertia however tends to want to continue to do those very things.
She also shared that she felt that she needed to cut back on her walking because it was becoming too difficult and she needed to listen to her body. I asked if there were any particular health related issues that would warrant the reduction in activity. She stated that there were not, she just felt that perhaps she shouldn’t be walking so much, and so she has dropped from two to one mile a day. She asked how much I was walking and I told her that I walk on average 3-5 miles a day and frequently more. We talked about different possible routes to take when walking and I shared with her that depending upon the direction she walks the incline can be rather steep yet if walked the other direction the incline is less steep.
The point here is sometimes when we are unsure how to proceed especially when our sense of self is tied solely to our role and function within society. So we may dread this change in our roles and we may dread the realization that we are not in fact defined by our role as much as we may wish. I see this frequently in people who have devoted their entire lives to one single endeavor. One example of this in particularly prevalent in retired military people and this may serve to better illustrate what I am talking about.
An individual who has spent a long number of years in the military will by the very fact they have been allowed to stay so long will have advanced in rank. The rules in the military today require regular advancement in order to remain active in the military. If a person fails to advance in rank they are not allowed to remain.
As a person advances in rank they are given increasingly more responsibilities, they are in command of greater numbers of people who answer to them. Their importance to the military operation increases. Frequently this creates within them a sense that their identity is tied to their role in society and especially in the military. Then after 20 or 30 years they find themselves faced with the reality they are no longer able to do the things that have meant so much to them previously.
This doesn’t happen only with military people, it also happens to many people in many different occupations or situations where a person has tied their personal sense of identity with their role or function in life.
