Anger is one of the Ten Worlds and, therefore, a very real part of our whole self. The question for us as Buddhists is not to eliminate anger; that is impossible. I believe we serve ourselves well, and thereby improve our lives if we examine when we are the master of anger and when anger is our master. When anger so consumes you that you act without thinking or, act in ways you would not otherwise, then there is a problem worthy of deeper exploration.
What I’m offering to you here are only some suggestions for your consideration. Not everything will work for you. Depending again on what prison resources are available to you it might be better to ignore what I’m offering. Perhaps there is no prison resource, if not then maybe you have another inmate who might be able to help you. If you are in this on your own with little or no support, then these might be good places to begin your self-work.
Anger that is not boiling over out of control
1. Working on anger that is not rage or where you loose control. This may be situational, or it may be a default response. This might be the anger that comes out when you start swearing, such as when some minor event occurs.
Begin by examining the way you respond to things, everything eventually, but for now pick only one thing. Focus on this one event or default response pattern. Get to know it as intimately as possible. Know, remember, record if necessary, exactly what you did, what you felt in various parts of your body. Pay attention to what happened right before your anger manifest. As you do this, avoid going down blind alleys of blame or avoiding responsibility for your actions. Keep in mind that no one can make you angry. They may contribute to an environment which for you triggers your angry nature or your anger response, but it is up to you how you respond or react. Be a detective here and dig until you have uncovered everything there is to know about you in this moment of anger.
Perhaps an example from my life may help to illustrate this. Around 1990 or 1991, I can’t remember which, I decided that I would eliminate the use of any swear word from my vocabulary. The story of the genesis of this is long, so let it suffice to say it involved a cuss cup with money added for every cuss word used. We used the money collected for a company party. After the event of the cuss cup I decided I would continue and see what the results would be.
What I learned for myself about myself was that frequently cuss words served as an escape from confronting myself and practicing self-discipline. I found that they were reactions to something and not responses. They were more reflexive than deliberate. They also are cheap words with no real substantive benefit, when even the simple action of coming up with a different expression would frequently be enough to bring me out of the anger I was in at that moment. As Buddhist, we are called upon to avoid living reflexively and instead to live deliberately. We are called upon to be mindful and simply spouting an expletive or cuss word is not mindful.
I also found it was hard to do this. It took a lot of effort and constant attention. It is so easy to swear, it is not so easy to not swear.
It is true that cussing seems to have an effect of letting off steam, yet might there be other ways to do the same thing? At first I did experience a sensation of repressing my reaction, so I would hold it in my stomach, that’s the place for me where stress and emotional energy goes, it may be different for you. You will know where it is if you seriously engage in this practice.
I didn’t know what to do with this sensation or action of repressing my emotions. It wasn’t until later when I began to extend this practice to other areas that I developed some strategies. The next area I applied this was driving, not something you’re doing much of right now. You’ll need to find other activities in your daily routine, I know they exist, we all have various places.
When I was driving, since I wasn’t swearing, I had no ‘release’ mechanism. If a situation occurred where I would have flipped someone off, or honked my horn, or spewed a string of expletives I had nothing I could do except hold onto the emotions. It isn’t good to hold onto or repress your feelings all the time. It’s not healthy, and it’s hard and gets harder the more you repress. So what do you do?
What I began to do was to look at the story I was constructing. If someone pulled in front of me without signaling, of course, it was because they were idiots, or rude, or inconsiderate. So my story is now about me being the good guy and them being the scum of the earth and a low life. That is a bit of an exaggeration, but only a bit. My story said that I was a perfect, or darn near close to perfect driver. The story said that yes, I make mistakes, but they are accidents. The story said the other driver didn’t make a mistake; they were inconsiderate, they were rude, and so forth. My story about this incident has me the good guy and this other person the bad guy. I wonder if when you start being curious and inquisitive about what’s going on inside yourself when you get angry you might find some of this same stuff going on.
It isn’t always true though frequently it is, we need ourselves to be good when we are angry. We also need someone else not to be good. Now it is true that sometimes we get angry because someone else is better than we are, yet even here there is a story created. When we create stories such as these without direct input or verification from the other person, then we may have constructed a false narrative. The reality of the driving situation is I know nothing about the other individual. Yes, I may observe his driving behavior and come to a general assessment of their current driving performance. Even that doesn’t tell us what is going on with that person. Other reasons could explain their driving behavior. We simply do not know. I think it may be reasonably certain the individual did wake up that morning with the sole objective of finding you driving so they could cut in front of you without signaling. My story is now subject to reexamination if I’m honest with myself. The new story is less clear, and the justification for anger becomes less powerful and less compulsive. I found that as I did this more often I didn’t go as far into anger when events like this would happen. Over time, it became very unremarkable, and I would simply let it go. There was less and less energy directed into the anger world in my life.
Through each of these steps I engaged in there is one thing I found helpful. The one thing above all the others is to move your breathing to your abdomen. Breathe deeply, breathe intentionally and notice your breathing. Simply doing this will help take some of the steam off and turn back the dial on emotional responses. The medical reason this helps is due to the high volume of air that is available to oxygenate your blood. This rich oxygenated blood goes to your brain, and while not euphoric it does cause the brain to feel safe. Because the brain has plenty of oxygen, something it needs desperately and will do all it can to get it, it tells the heart to slow down. The breath from the upper lungs is our flight or fight breath. The breath from our abdomen is peace, safety, and tranquility.
The steps in summary are:
1. Sincere and honest curiosity into self around an incident – start small, and only on one or two at a time.
2. Be gentle with self and if possible be gentle with others as you work through this. It may be frustrating at times. Be patient.
3. Listen to the story you are creating. Even if you believe you have accurately described the situation remember no two people see the same event the same. There will always exist another version of the event.
4. See if you can uncover some other versions of the event that might not warrant an anger response.
5. Check your breathing. Move it deeply and solidly to your lower abdomen.
Anger that has a lot of energy
Now on to the anger that you manifest through perhaps some physical action. Sometimes this may go all the way to full blown rage, a blind response without thought or feeling. This kind of anger requires some professionally guided assistance. If you feel you need help with this, I strongly encourage you to seek out resources in the prison.
In the short term here are some suggestions. These are things I have accumulated from various places. They seem practical though I have not personally needed to use them.
1. This suggestion may seem contrary to what you were told in the past. Usually, people are told to relax or chill out or something to that effect. Another approach is not to relax. Instead, visualize what you need to resolve the situation. Just hold that in your mind, keep holding it. Don’t do anything other than holding that mental image. You may experience a lessening of the energy behind your anger. If not then perhaps this tool isn’t right for the moment or you.
2. Do some physical activity if possible. Perhaps you might consider carrying a pair of socks rolled up so you can simply squeeze it and keep squeezing. As your doing the physical activity, do not let your mind wander. Stay focussed. The physical activity is not mean to be a distraction. It is intended to be a way to channel the energy.
3. Some people and activities are not healthy for you. Learn to say to know what is healthy for you and what isn’t. Then avoid the unhealthy stuff. I know that going to crowded places is not healthy for me, so I don’t, not even to make someone else happy. My health is important to me, and so yours should be to you. It is not healthy for me to rush around at the last minute trying to get something done, so I plan ahead, and I arrive early. I don’t expect others to do the same; my health is up to me to protect. Learn to notice what is healthy for you and then do those things or be around those people (not always possible in your situation). There is nothing broken simply because some things are not enjoyable, or some things don’t support your mental and spiritual health.
4. Think of your anger as a message that is trying to be heard by you. There is something behind the anger, and it isn’t always what appears on the surface. Until you can get some professional help on this see if you can listen to the story, pay attention to what you are telling yourself at that moment about the event or the person.
5. Practice speaking your heart and not your emotions. Seek clarity and understanding. Practice not blaming or shaming either yourself or someone or something else. Practice not using words that blame or accuse or shame another person. When speaking with the other person, try instead to stay with what you saw, not what they did. Say what you felt and not what they made you feel. Explain what you understood and ask if you understood correctly. Retell or restate what you heard and ask them if you heard what they intended you to hear. The objective here is to move away from your story and create space for a different story or possibility.
6. Sometimes having a backup strategy can be helpful. Practice alternative ways of responding to events that you know will happen and you wish to change your behavior pattern. This take practice.
7. Always keep in mind your safety. Do not needlessly compromise your safety. At the same time try to do no harm.
If I would like you to remember anything from all of this it would be focus on your breathing, always move it to your abdomen. Always be curious about what is going on inside yourself. What do you need in those moments? Is the response appropriate to the situation? Are you responding to the immediate situation or are you responding from something in your past?
