The phrase nyoze honmatsu ku kyo to translates to their equality as such despite these differences. In other words, all of our being, the physical and the non-physical aspects, all are affected by one another. When one area of our self is out of whack then so too will be the other aspects. While we may not at first perceive the manifestation in things such as our appearance, nature, or entity we certainly can notice that our energy declines as we become tired. Tiredness is only one manifestation, others are more subtle.
When I was deeply immersed in the caring of young boys dying from AIDS it seemed as if it would never end. One after another these young men were dying and there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. Yet not doing something was not an option for me. As the number of guys dying grew an the amount of effort I put in became greater and greater I began to change.
The changes were subtle and in fact it wasn’t until some time later that I was aware they had occurred. Unbeknownst to me my temper began to become shorter, I would anger quickly, and my frustration grew. That frustration had to be released because we each have a limit to how much frustration we can hold. We each have a limit to how much grief we can ignore, or how much pain we can suppress. The limit is different for each of us yet the limit is there.
The total grief, frustration, and anger accumulated inside and it sought ways of escaping. Because I was not aware of this and because I did not adequately take care of my self, mending my spirit the consequences manifest in my expression of anger towards others and situations I experienced. It wasn’t until I moved from San Diego to Charlotte and stepped out of the caring for the dying environment that I began to realize that I had indeed changed from not taking care of myself.
I spent a couple of years not working with folks with HIV/AIDS and during that time I attended to mending myself. At first I really didn’t realize what it was I was doing. I had truly been affected by care-giver fatigue. While a part of me knew this even at the time, there was a part that said I couldn’t or shouldn’t feel that way, or that it was being selfish to think of my own care when the needs of those dying were so great.
When I did once again connect with a group in Charlotte that was caring for HIV/AIDS patients and families I noticed that my energy for doing the work had changed and that I actually had more energy and that towards the end of the time in San Diego I had become not just emotionally exhausted I had become physically exhausted.
I hope this doesn’t sound too convoluted or confusing. Remember I am recounting an experience that I didn’t become aware of until after it happened. While it was happening I was oblivious to the subtle changes both in my nature and in my energy yet the changes were occurring.
The fact that something within us changes and we are not aware of it is doubly harmful because in our ignorance we may try to change things or do things that will have a negative impact and not accomplish our goals. My anger at that time did not help to resolve what was going on in my emotions, in fact it only compounded the problem.
This I believe is one of the great advantages of Buddhism. Through the study and practice of our faith we can delve into our self deeply and see the root of our suffering and with the tools provided to us from our faith we can then begin to work on solving the problems of our lives in constructive and beneficial ways.
[amazon_link asins=’147834198X,1979814023,1508534780,1511592907,1492886041,1979530815,1494986329,0692257470,1978003862′ template=’ProductCarousel’ store=’ryusho0a-20′ marketplace=’US’ link_id=’7a3a8948-9114-11e8-afb7-4fde6ee41ee9′]
