Recently I was asked a question about praying for other people. As a chaplain and a priest, and as a matter of personal thoughts I have offered prayers for others. Sometime my prayers for others was on behalf of someone else. This situation occurred most frequently in cases where an individual felt they lacked the voice, the words, or the authority to pray for themselves. Most often this seemed to occur among Christians, though not entirely limited to them.
I understand that the nature of people is sometimes to think that an ordained person has more authority or more ability to offer a prayer directly. Some people think that they need someone to intercede on their behalf. That isn’t my belief, however I respect their belief.
I once sat with a young man, barely beyond an adolescent actually who had cut off his hand with a circular power saw intentionally. He cut his hand off because he had read in the Bible about removing the hand that offends. The young man was obviously suffering from some severe mental problems.
When I first entered his room he asked me if I would help him talk to the doctors to ask them to remove one of his eyes. I immediately told him that no doctor in this hospital would agree to such a request without some medical necessity for doing so.
I tried to do this in such a way that would leave the door open to listening to him further and more deeply. I am not a psychiatrist and have no experience treating mental illness. Yet sometimes the spirit and religious belief is closely tied together in some fashion in those with various mental illness.
As I sat with him, his arm wrapped in bandages and a large foam pad encasing his arm I could see that he was deeply afraid. As we talked more and got past his need to tell me all the details of exactly what he had done including sticking his freshly cut arm into the flames on the stove he began to share more deeply about what drove him to this madness.
At the heart of it was his fear of dying and living for eternity in hell. At one point he put his head down on his well padded arm turned his face to me and said he didn’t want to go to hell and wondered if God could love him. This was profound and deep moment, to look into his eyes and see the fear in his deepest being, his soul.
I sat there a moment as I considered my response. What I told him is that while I am not a Christian and don’t share his beliefs what I did know was that from the Christians I have met and spoken with God wants to love you. In that moment even though I don’t personally believe in God I did believe in what I said to him. I felt a profound sense of compassion and connection with his belief and his desire to belief. Even though belief in God is not my belief, in that moment my belief in his belief was what mattered.
It is hard to explain how it is possible to not believe in something and yet believe it to be true for someone else. I remember that there was a nurse in the room at the time and she stopped what she was doing and listened. Later she contacted me and said that was the most powerful thing she had experienced. I don’t know about her, I do know that in that moment the young man had such an expression of relief and contentment that he did not have when I first began talking to him. I do also believe it was not me that caused the relief, and was not my words that brought peace.
Can this be possible? I know that I can not possibly prove it to anyone, except perhaps to those who have experienced something similar.
In a way this was a prayer on behalf of someone who felt disconnected from the source of the answer to his prayers. I was no authority rather only a conduit at the most. I was not necessary, though I did fulfill a function, not as myself though.
Prayer is an interesting phenomena. What is prayer? How do you pray? What are you praying to? Who answers or grants prayers? Do prayers work? What is prayer?
I don’t claim that this writing will adequately answer these questions, and certainly they can’t be considered the definitive answer to the many questions about prayer from human kind throughout the ages. The questions are old, and they continue to be asked.
In Psalms 71 the opening stanza is roughly “In you oh Lord I take refuge let me never be afraid.” That I say is roughly the words depending upon the translation.
When I began my formal training to be a Chaplain one of my supervisors loaned to me a very old copy of the New Testament Bible. This book was over 100 years old, well worn and fragile. I felt intimidated to be loaned such a priceless book.
As I carefully leafed through the book this particular passage stood out among others. I immediately felt a connection to it and used it as the basis of most of my Christian prayers. The idea of refuge is fundamental in Buddhist belief. We take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. We are refugees seeking the solution to life’s sufferings. The Buddha is our lord, though not in the concept of the Christian Lord, he is still our teacher, our guide, our advisor, our councilor, and many other expletives that Christians use to describe their relationship with their God, their Lord.
This was a passage that I could say without feeling hypocritical. I could speak these words, I could pray this prayer from my deepest being. Yes it is true that this turned on different understandings of the concept of Lord and lord, yet fundamentally in many ways there were similarities.
This was a heartfelt prayer on the part of the Hebrews to their God, a recognition of their relationship to their deity. Also in the Bible is the Lords prayer. I am not a Christian scholar and so I won’t go further into an area I know little about, however it is clear to me that the idea of prayer has always presented opportunities to grapple with the mechanics and all the details about how, why, and to who of prayer.
While I know less about Muslim beliefs I suspect that in their teachings there is much about prayer. For devote Muslims there are the five daily prayers and the rituals involved in performing them correctly including which direction to face.
Prayer is perhaps more human than a particular belief. I think all humans pray even if differently.
What is prayer? I can’t say I have all the answers, not even for myself do I have all the answers. You may have more answers than I do. Yet I suspect that for all of us there is some space in there with some unanswered questions, even if unasked.
Fundamentally I think all wishes and desires represent some form of prayer. Others may disagree and perhaps put restrictions on this such as a prayer undirected isn’t a true prayer. Perhaps the distinction lies in whether a person believes there is someone to answer the prayer or not. I know for myself that requirement does not exist. I have no need for the belief that someone must hear and respond in order for my wishes and desires to be a prayer.
I suppose some may think that is an arrogant belief that simply my wish is sufficient for it to be a prayer and that I don’t require anyone to hear my prayer. As I write it it does seem somewhat arrogant, yet in my heart and in my belief I realize that I am perhaps powerless on my own to actualize the result of the prayer. And yet I do believe that my prayer is important and necessary to the potential fulfillment of my prayer.
Alright, before I get to afield and wander off my outline let me shift a bit. For the most part belief falls in to two categories. Those being belief in something or someone outside of self. The other is a belief in nothing or no one outside of self. Either there is a giant Pez dispenser or there is not.
If you believe in something external then I am fairly certain you have collected your own proof for your belief. Just as I have collected my own proofs against such a belief. Generally the result is that you won’t believe my proofs and I won’t believe your proofs. That isn’t to say I don’t respect your proofs as yours.
In some ways I think that these beliefs stem from how a persons believes they are related to other humans. Generally speaking, and of course this is made with the realization that generalities are rife with exceptions.
Generally I think there are three broad categories of belief in individual and others. One is that every person is an independent entity on only related to others in what might be called mechanical ways, such as community, country, nationality, and even family. That beyond those relationships there is nothing that directly connects one person to another.
Another belief is similar to what I might call a ballon theory. Picture if you will a clown or circus performer who has that long skinny balloon and then begins to twist various portions off and forms an animal or perhaps some crazy head gear. The individual tied off portions are still the ballon but each portion is it’s own entity. If one small section is deflated then depending upon the strength of the twist the remainder of the ballon continues for a time still inflated. So separate but still connected.
Another would be similar to my own in a more wave on an ocean fashion. Where we are all fundamentally the same, being water molecules that arise depending upon circumstances to form a wave that seems unique yet is still only water molecules and part of the greater ocean. Sort of a hybrid of ballon and uniquely independent.
I think that how you believe you are related to other humans impacts your tendency to believe or not believe in an independent entity outside of self to act upon your prayers. The more individual you tend to believe the more likely you are to also believe in some agency outside of self.
Of course this is not absolute, it is general and highly oversimplified. Yet for me it is a way to begin to process the complexity of prayer.
Individuals who believe in the separateness of self from others my experience though limited, has been are more likely to believe in some power outside of self to answer prayers. This makes sense when you think about it. Strong belief in individuality and independence from other almost requires some agency outside of self. People who tend to a more connected belief in others I think have a greater tendency to believe more strongly in the community of other without reliance on external support. Now again I must say this in only general, not scientific, and merely my opinion based on my beliefs and the observation of a small fraction of the billions of individuals who occupy this planet at this time, a minuscule and insignificant quantity.
This isn’t to say that folks who believe more strongly in an independent self don’t believe or practice community prayer. It is however likely that the community will still be praying to someone outside those selves. In these cases it is highly likely that some prayers may be classified as frivolous or not being worthy of bothering the external agent. A wish for your successful date may not be considered a true prayer. I however think otherwise.
As a person who believes in our deep interconnectedness I also believe that the general well being and happiness of the group is important enough to offer such a wish as a legitimate prayer, even if it is only a prayer between a couple of friends. This is why I believe that my expression of gratitude to the cashier at Walmart and a wish for their happiness is so important. I may leave the store and never know if they had a happy day, and that isn’t the point. The point is that the ocean in which my life is part of and emerges temporarily is tending towards happiness and not chaos, strife, and ill will. My interaction may be brief but my connection is profound and eternal.
Does my belief need to be shared with the other person? Do we both need to believe in the same things for my prayer to be effective? To this I respond that it isn’t necessary.
When I worked in the hospital sometimes a patient would want me to hug them or hold their hand. There were many reasons for the request and generally they were for comfort, for reassurance of connectedness, for support and I believe for prayer. It didn’t matter what my belief was nor theirs, the fact was my hug to them and for them was important and meaningful, regardless of our beliefs. This was a wordless prayer in my belief. A prayer for their comfort and their peace. Others may only consider this a common courtesy or a mere trifling.
So, how do prayers work exactly. This too I believe depends upon a person’s belief system. For some it is perhaps dependent upon the whim of the external entity. I do not say this with disrespect though. Some Christians I have known do not believe that God plays a direct role in the happenings of living beings. Others believe God does directly interact with and upon humans. I have no explanation for either belief. In my belief there is a power to prayer.
Again I use the example of a hug or encouraging words given sincerely. We have witnessed the backlash of ‘thoughts and prayers’ from government officials in response to gun violence in the US. In these cases it is obvious to many that the ‘thoughts and prayers’ are hollow empty statements lacking any action to support or stand alongside the ‘thoughts and prayers’ by individuals who have the power to affect change.
I was once a participant in a reverse confessional booth. The occasion was Gay Pride in Portland Oregon. The setting was a mock confessional booth where the ‘priest’ confessed their hatred expressed by Christians for gays and their apology as well as asking forgiveness. This may seem rather trite and meaningless. To me in that moment it was profound. Here was a leader of a faith community that openly and actively preached against gays and here he was asking my forgiveness, confessing his error. I cried in that moment. There is even a video somewhere out in the digital universe of me in that experience.
One of the things that made it profound was the vulnerability of the other person, the admission that what they did was not correct and misguided, and their asking me directly to forgive them. It was a one on one expression for which there seemed to be no expectation that I would agree or forgive, it was simply given to me for me to do as I wished. While I did forgive him I still could not forget nor offer a blanket forgiveness to others, I could only speak for me and not all gays.
That one moment, powerful and also insignificant to the greater story was important in the lives of two interconnected individuals. It was a prayer and it was responded to. A prayer from him to me for my forgiveness and understanding, and a prayer to him to accept me as an individual connected to him in ways more profound than that single moment, a prayer to him to affect the change he was capable of making and not be held for what he was powerless to change.
Was the prayer heard? I believe so.
I have given several examples of what I believe are prayers, they may not fit the criteria of other’s definition of prayer. That is understandable.
One part of the question that was asked of me was if during the course of a prayer one’s thoughts occasionally went to the worst possible outcome. Perhaps a prayer is offered for the healing of an individual and one thinks of the person also not being healed while still praying for healing. Is it harmful to have this happen, is the prayer effective?
I think it is perfectly natural to be aware of all sorts of possibilities when praying for a specific outcome. I once attended a patient a young man who had drowned. The patient was being kept alive through external interventions, breathing support, heart medications, and numerous other medical procedures. The hope was that perhaps even though the brain had been deprived of oxygen for a critical period of time that somehow life could be sustained eventually by the patient independent of these external interventions.
When the mother of the patient finally arrived from a different state in the US she was determinedly optimistic and hopefully. She was prayerfully resolute in the miracle from God. Some of her first words to me as the chaplain was she was a prayer warrior, and that hundreds if not thousands of people were at this moment praying for her son.
I know when my father called me to cosign the official documents required by the state of Florida to have my mother removed from life support we both discussed our hopes and our fears based upon reality of the situation. We both hoped for a miracle, and we both realized that it would take a miracle and that miracles are such because they don’t occur consistently all the time. Our hopes were tempered by awareness of the reality of the situation.
Over the course of several days the son’s mother’s resolve never diminished, she continued to pray. It was clear however, that it was evolving to consider the inconsiderable. Her prayers also included space for them not to be answered as well as to be answered.
Humans are complex beings, capable of holding contradictory thoughts. Some people are not comfortable with the contradictions and think that somehow they represent a lack of faith or doubt in faith. It is impossible for me to fully put someone at ease except for my belief that the contradiction is not harmful nor is it lacking in faith. It is simply to be human. “Let me never be afraid” from Psalms, is an admission of fear even while praying that the fear be removed and not occur. Yes, I have fear, and yes I believe there is a solution for that fear.
In the hospital I witnessed some families who would not welcome any thoughts or considerations that there was no hope for the patient. To admit such possibilities was to express hopelessness and defeat. Even when the patient was clearly and medically ‘brain dead’, meaning that only primitive brain stem functions were active, a point from which there really is no medical path forward would not accept the death. To do so would mean to them abandonment of hope and possibilities. Again, miracles do happen, they are however miracles and rare.
Humans are complex beings, with complex beliefs. Some people think negative thoughts or awareness of negative possibilities are a jinx, others are equally comfortable with simply ignoring other possibilities, while other are equally comfortable with holding multiple possibilities in opposition. My beliefs may be of no consequence to any resolution. I offer them because I have been asked.
Are my prayer unimportant or meaningless? I think they are very important, both to me and to others either directly or indirectly. Why do I say this in the face of my inability to affect any specific change?
As a chaplain in a hospital the experience is strange. I say this because the patient or family believes I can make a difference, that I can possible even ‘cure’ the patient through my actions or prayers. My reality is that I am powerless in the face of the medical situation. I am not a doctor, I can not prescribe a course of treatment, I can not diagnose, I can not do what the doctor can. Yet I am not unimportant, at least not to the patient or family or even to some doctors.
Some may say that my role is merely psychological, supporting perhaps the person in their belief. That may be true. Yet the most powerful and effective medicine is the placebo, but only if it isn’t known to be a placebo. Once it is known to simply be sugar it ceases to be effective. Sometimes I felt that if the patient only knew that I was really and honestly a spiritual placebo then there would be no purpose for my presence.
The reverse also happens, when the chaplain shows up and people jump to the conclusion that they are dying. Or the family stops me in the hall before I enter the room and ask me if their family member is going to die, even though they may only have a cold or broken bone.
In the face of my powerlessness how is it possible for me to continue sincerely. The fact is that even though medically I am indeed powerless and ignorant, I am not without effectiveness in bolstering hope and belief, and those hopes and beliefs are critical to all humans and our survival. Otherwise how would it be possible for us to continue to live?
We have so little control over our environment, weather, earthquakes, and such, we have so little control over disease, we have so little control over birth and death, we have so little control over crop failures and successes, we are very insignificant and our control is almost nonexistent in some ways. It is for many people such a hopeless situation that they are unable to continue in life. Others however face the seemingly hopeless situation with a determination that somehow they will succeed. No matter what, even in the face of evidence to the contrary they are able to muster the resolve to continue. I am thinking now of the thousands of refugees throughout the world who continue even in the face of persecution, death, and destruction. How do they do it? I’m not sure I could.
Is my lack of skill as a medical provider a limitation to my effectiveness to offer prayers. No, I do not believe this is the case. Perhaps I have to believe this, perhaps this belief allows me to continue even in the face of the hopelessness I witness in others. My prayers for the healing and cure of a person who will soon die are no less effective because I know the course of the disease or illness. Even doctors continue to provide care when they know that there is no cure or possible outcome other than death. In these situations they are truly as powerless as I am yet we both continue, even while admitting the possibility of no success. We have to, the human race depends upon it.
I often think about when a species become extinct. How lonely and hopeless the last male birds call for a mate are, how sad. Yet the calls continue even in the face of no response. The survival of the bird depends upon their continued calls even if there is no response. I wonder if at some point the bird simply dies or if it gives up. I don’t know but I suspect it does not give up, and the basic tendency of humans is also to not give up.
Well, that is about it for now on this subject. I haven’t really answered the question I suppose, merely perhaps all I’ve done is toss out more confusion and doubt. I only know what I believe. I may come back to this at a later point, I don’t feel I said all I wish to have said, but I do feel I need to consider it more and refocus perhaps. Thanks for reading, I would appreciate your comments if you care to share them.
