Nonviolent Communication from Dharma Talk given on 6/12/2011
Good morning, thank you all for coming to the temple this morning and joining together to practice the Lotus Sutra.
Today and every Sunday through the entire summer (2011), 13 weeks, I will be devoting my Dharma talk time to teaching and leading learning in Nonviolent Communication. These will be structured sessions that will involve various activities and take-away practices. On some Sundays we will do a very brief service and get into some various activities such as discussion, role-playing, and even some group games. Of course, the most important work will be done by you, on an individual daily basis.
Let me begin by talking a little about what is meant by nonviolence and in particular nonviolent communication. Generally when we think about or talk about violence we think of wars or fighting, you know, the biggies. But physical manifestations of violence are really just a small part of what makes up violence. In some ways the physical violence is merely a manifestation of an accumulation of effects from violent communication and thinking.
Arun Gandhi, the grandson of M.K. Gandhi compares violent communication to the fuel upon which the fires of physical violence burns. Trying to stop physical violence without addressing verbal and thought violence will never lead to the lasting and just peace we all wish for. Arun Gandhi tells of the time he lived with his grandfather when he was thirteen years old, and how his grandfather made him make a “family tree” of violence. Every day he would add branches to the tree putting down experience either personal, or read, or seen of violence. It wasn’t long before the physical side of his tree was so small in comparison to the non-physical or passive side. He quickly saw that more violence was committed passively than physically.
The approach I will be following for leading this learning and growing series will be based upon the book by Marshall B. Rosenberg; Nonviolent Communication a Language of Life. I will also be drawing from a companion workbook based upon Mr. Rosenberg’s book by Lucy Leu. I welcome any of you who wish to do so to get a hold of a copy of the book for yourselves.
Let me state that I am not a teacher of this. I am learning this as well. I may facilitate our learning but I am still just a learner. Maybe some day if the funds are sufficient and the time is right I may seek to become certified. But I don’t feel that is important and the Center for Nonviolent Communication actually encourages the approach of a learning facilitator.
Let me pause here for a moment and say that there may be some of you who have no interest in learning this. I will not, nor is it the purpose of this activity to try to convince anyone of the rightness or necessity of this practice. It is my purpose however to provide you with potential tools to develop a way to implement our Buddhist practice and belief of causing no harm to others. You may do with this information and activity as you wish. I encourage each of us to not judge any other of us as being good or bad or any other such judgment based upon a persons desire or intent to follow through with what we are doing. We each have our own unique ways of growing and learning. I do also hope that what I am embarking upon will be useful to you all. Because not everyone is interested in doing this practice and each of us will be motivated to different levels, a lot of these group sessions will not follow the suggested format of NVC Groups. Also because of our time constraint it will not be possible to engage in intense group practice. As I lead this activity I will seek to compromise yet provide the basis for hopefully the greatest individual growth.
Today we will merely be doing a basic introduction so to speak. And there are a few basic starting concepts I would like you to take home and consider if you will. I also have an activity and practice for you if you like.
I am going to pass around some index cards for you to use if you want, you might want to take three cards. I will next be talking to you about four basic components in the process of using nonviolent communication. There are also two parts to each of the four components. So you may want to use one card to write the four components on one side and the two parts on the other. On the second card I am going to have you write one word. And on the third card I am going to give you a D list for individual practice.
First, the four components are; observation, feeling, needs, request.
Observation is something that some of you have heard me talk about before, though not specifically in the context of nonviolent communication. Observation is to notice something without making an evaluation. In this component we learn to distinguish between judgment and what we sense in the present moment. In other words to simply observe what is there. If something happens to us we merely observe what is observable and let go of any need to make a value assessment of that thing. Someone calls us a name and we observe that as having occurred without attaching any blame, judgment, or value. Someone cuts us off as we are driving, we observe without assessing judgment. At first you may not know what to do with your judgments or assessments. At first it may be just a small victory but not insignificant one that you are able to see when you move from observation to judgment. You may even find that sometimes you don’t even really observe you just judge. When you practice observation, be focused, be mindful, be honest. As detective Friday would say in the old Dragnet show would say; “just the facts”.
Now we come to feelings. So we are discounting or even eliminating our very real feelings by practicing observation. But practicing observation can help us separate out our feelings and help us get in touch with them. How often do we go from; someone said something mean to me – I hate them – they are bad. Or even just I hate them – they are bad. So we might say instead; someone said something to me – it hurt my feelings, I feel sad, or I feel bad, or I feel unimportant. Or someone just cut in front of me in line – I feel unimportant, or I feel mistreated, or I feel angry. Again observing the phenomena and then finding out how you feel. We are not making an assessment of the phenomena, so there is no bad person, or mean person, or inconsiderate person. There is a person who has needs and feelings just as we do. They may have a difficult time having their needs met, but we do not know.
Speaking of needs met, this is the third component – needs. We all have needs and values that sustain and enrich and give meaning to our lives and our actions. When those needs are met we experience a comfortable feeling, like happiness or peacefulness. When they are not we experience uncomfortable feelings, like frustration. Understanding this component is critical to learning to practice nonviolent communication and to living empathetically. So the person who calls us a name has needs and they may not be able to have their needs met or they may even be unable to identify their needs. They are not evil, stupid, mean or any other word we may wish to attribute to them, instead they are individuals, humans with needs just like we have needs. Beginning to see this process unfolding in ourselves can give us insights into how to talk to others who are not getting their needs met.
Request is the fourth component in this formula. To make clear and present requests is crucial to NVC. When we learn to request concrete actions that can, and I emphasis can, be carried out in the present moment, we begin to find ways to cooperatively and creatively ensure that everyone’s needs are met. This will not be easy, especially since for many of us we have never done this type of communicating before. There may be frustrating times when we may not see a way to move forward, we may lack the creativity to try new things because we are so used to doing it the old way.
Do not become discouraged. There will be difficult moments, there will be complete failures, but there will be breakthroughs and advancements as well.
Now the two parts of NVC. The first is empathy and the second is honesty. If we are empathetic we receive from the heart, which creates a means to connect with others and share experiences in a truly life enriching way. Empathy goes beyond compassion, allowing us to put ourselves into another’s shoes to sense the same feeling and understand the same needs; in essence, being open and available to what is alive in others. It also allows up to remain present to and aware of our own needs and the needs of others even in extreme situations.
Honesty is giving from the heart. Honesty begins with truly understanding ourselves and our own needs, and being in tune with what is alive in us in the present moment. When we can learn to give ourselves empathy, we can start to break down the barriers to communication that keep us from connecting with others.
The formula for the four components and two parts in helping us communicate more effectively works out something like this:
When I see that__________, I feel _____________, because me need for __________ is/is not met. Would you be willing to_____________?
At this point don’t worry too much about this formula. It will be enough if you can begin to observe concretely, touch your feelings and identify your needs. We will work much more on this as we go along.
Now on your second card I would like for you to write the word “Contribution”. When you go home find a place where you can tape the card up and you will see at least two times during the day, preferably morning and evening. You might tape it to your bathroom mirror. In the morning try to establish a connection with your need to contribute and consider for a moment how you might enjoy meeting that need during the day. In the evening, before bed, consider how you did or did not meet your need for contribution without self-judgment. So concretely observe how you did without attaching a value to it. You were not great if you did, and you were not bad if you didn’t; you either did or did not.
Your third card is for your D list. On this card I would like for you to write these for words; Diagnosis, Denial, Demand, Deserve. When we use the word diagnosis we are talking about judgment, analysis, criticisms, and comparisons; things like this is bad, or this is terrible, or this is unjust, or this is great and so forth. Denial is short for denial of responsibility, it’s not my fault, I am not to blame. Demand is the expectation of a certain action on the part of the other without asking; things like go get me some water, or stop running around, or be quiet and so forth. Deserve is short for deserve oriented language; so for example I deserve to have cake, or I don’t deserve to be punished.
Now one day this next week pick a day to be your Four D-Alert Day. During the day listen with heightened awareness to the way people around you as well as yourself communicate. Whenever you hear a D, note and jot it down on paper. Don’t forget to include what you hear on TV, radio and ads; even including spoken and written. As you do the first component of ‘observe’. You are merely observing what takes place and not making any value assessment. For couples or people practicing together do not use D words as a weapon; so don’t say things to each other like “there you go, using a D word” even playfully. Remember empathy and honesty. And remember the word of the week ‘contribution’. What can you contribute, not what can you take away.
So that is a lot of stuff to work on during the week if you choose to. Next Sunday for those who wish, bring one example of the use of a D statement. Maybe one example, that before you would not have thought of in such a discerning way.
Ok, how is everyone feeling? I am going to pass out a feedback form. I will be using the same form every time even though some of the questions may not pertain to what took place in an individual session. I invite you all to make honest comments which will help me track how my presenting is or is not effective. It is not necessary to include your name.
Before I close I would like to give credit to the Center for Nonviolent Communication and the materials they provide to further the effort to teach and educate in nonviolent communication. I would also like to add that they advocate as a way to begin practice the activity of meditation. I did not talk about this since we are Buddhist and we already have a basic understanding and practice of meditation.
Thank you all very much and I look forward to working more on this over the next several months.
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